I want to know the truth now. I don’t want to be blind anymore.
Already He’s showing me things.
Since we’ve been married, when Justin pursues me at night, I lock myself behind a vault door and stand there fearfully waiting for him to give up trying to get in, like he’s a thief trying to rob my bank.
I never knew why I did this. If I opened the door and allowed him in, it was one thing. He could freely have all the treasure he wanted, I’d give it all to him. But if he comes to the closed door and asks me to open it, the answer is NO.
All my alarm bells go off, “Intruder!” He’s trying to take what you have, he’s going to rip the door open and steal it all. This somehow is not the man who has protected your treasure all these years, its some stranger!
Where is the logic in that?! The man I KNOW is trustworthy, I reject almost every time as an intruder.
Its almost like I have an autoimmune disease in my soul, rejecting and attacking healthy parts of my own body because I somehow recognize it as a harmful foreign object.
How do I overcome this? Do I even want to?
Accepting this as reality is safe and easy. My heart is protected behind a vault door and I can just open it whenever I feel safe enough to do so.
But not accepting it would be hard. Attempting to make this defense mechanism stop protecting me would make me feel very vulnerable and afraid. But if I could see it’s safe, over and over again… maybe in the end I’d just take the damn door off and live unafraid.
He would be happier. I would not have to hide anymore.
It’s going to hurt like hell. Like burning my soul in fire.
Who would purposely jump into a fire!?
I’m not convinced I’ll really do it. If I do it will be because of He helped me.