Day One

Today I’m stepping onto a new pathway carved out by those who have gone before me as they followed God. This road should lead me to recovery.

I hadn’t realized how erratic I had become until I came into an atmosphere of surrender and peace. I could see the stark contrast. In my heart it was this fearful place of being out of control, scampering back and forth as fast as I could, panicking, looking for a way out.

Then I walked into this building and I’m surrounded by people who heard the voice of the master call to them in authority, “Peace! Be still!”

We were all like dogs without an Alpha, like sheep without a Shepherd. We were lost. We were trying to get somewhere alone and we got more and more lost until we finally gave up and started crying out for Him.

My lostness sometimes has been a wilderness- but a wilderness wasn’t enough to make me call Him. My lostness, the one that made me finally really give up was a drowning. There is a place of safety, a raft, a boat, something that is sturdy in the middle of an ocean. Maybe an island or maybe you think its just an island but it ends up being a continent.

But for years I stayed out in the water, staying a float through practice, taking certain precautions, certain maneuvers, just trying to preserve my strength and keep going on for as long as I could. It was tiring but I could have kept functioning like that forever.

Then all the sudden I felt weights placed on me, pulling me down. Each day there was more weight added, first to my ankles, then to my wrists. So I had to struggle harder to keep floating. More and more weight, harder and harder struggling.

Then I was drowning. I wasn’t strong enough. I couldn’t breathe. Panic set in. Sometimes I’d go under and I would just give up for a minute, accept my death. But I’d hear my mothers voice, “Don’t give up Summer!” I’d hear the voices call from the place of safety, “Hey! Come over here!”

My sister jumped in and grabbed my other sister and I thought, well I guess God sent someone to rescue her but not me. Maybe he doesn’t care that I’m drowning. But even though I worried this was true, I decided to try and swim over there and find out for myself.

That very moment I decided, I felt this invisible support rise up beneath me, something for my feet to stand on. It was Him. The weight was still there, I still wasn’t out of the water ready to help others who were drowning all around me, but my toes could touch the bottom.

I’m not sure yet but I think the Lord is like a beach that slowly inclines the closer you get to the center of Him. I know I’m still going to have to struggle in the water, take step after step towards safety. I’ll probably lose my footing, I’ll probably feel like I’m drowning again sometimes and I’ll be afraid I wont make it to dry land.

But I will. He is with me.

 

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