There is a line in a book that I’ll never forget. “The laugh collapsed the moment it was born.” I think it was the saddest thing I’ve ever read. I just imagine this thing full of life and potential be born and instantly collapsing to the ground, without even a breath in the world, it dies. All of what it was made for, lying dead and unused, unheard, unloved.
That’s how my voice feels every time I say, “Lord…”. I want to tell you a million things but it all dies before it lives. So I thought maybe I would write to you.
Dad… dont leave me. Forgive me for what I said. I’m sorry I felt like giving up so easily. This is exactly what I asked for, you’re doing exactly what I wanted you to do. It has just been harder to handle than I thought it would.
Its left me feeling so empty. I feel like the light in my eyes has dimmed, the love in my heart has dried up. You said knowledge without love is nothing. Thats how I feel. Like nothing. I asked you to lead me into the truth and you did. I now see things differently. More clearly. Like you took a plank out of my eye.
But I still have bad eyes. I cant see right. I need love to cover them like contact lenses. I need you to do that for me. I can’t do it myself.
There is nothing good in me. No strength strong enough, no endurance lasting enough, no knowledge knowing enough. There is nothing that is enough in me to blow wind in my own sails. I’ve come to the end of me.
So I’m looking to you. I need something that cant be found in me. Otherwise I’m a parched land, drying up into dust and disintegrating into nothing.
I’ve been afraid to ask for living water, so afraid I’ll get a counterfeit. I dont want water than feels good going down but it evaporates before it reaches my limbs and my organs. I dont want water that is poisoned by skewed views, or tainted by malicious intent.
I want the LIVING WATER you promised me. I need nourished and quenched, I need nursed back to health by the Good Doctor and helped back to green pastures by the Good Shepherd. I need YOU Jesus the Christ, the blood that atoned for my sin and makes me in right standing with my Father. I need YOU Jesus the Christ, who came in the flesh to deliver this food to my soul, this water to my spirit!
On my own, I collapse into nothingness, into ruin and wreckage, disgrace and destruction. But with you, and only you, I rise into your creation, full of life and purpose, full of love and wonder.
Call me by my name. Speak life into me. Fill me with your spirit. Water me with your love, energize me with the warmth of your presence, with the brilliance of your radiance. I need you. Nothing else will do.
If I have collapsed, may it be that I’ve collapsed at your feet where you’ll notice me.