Yesterday, I grasp to hold, to tuck away inside me as it tries bleed into a million memories created. In the darkness of the morning I cried out to my God, “give me vision for my children.” In the black of my storm he showed me a breaking dawn with a word written in light across the sky in the distance. “Beautiful” it read.
I spoke to my creator through a torn veil and he was so close he heard me, every word I uttered. I asked him to bless us, to be with us and everything I could have ever wanted to say to him was summed up in those few precious moments in his presence.
I could live in that memory forever and ever.
He is with me.
Closer than before, he told me about anger… to be slow in it. He said to display his love in my patience, endurance, perseverance, holiness and willingness to speak the breath of life into the dry places. Which is exactly what I did last night curled up in bed with Nova. She’s only nine but has already built her identity on failure and believing herself to be unimportant. Dry, barren and alone she thought her name should be changed to reflect her opinion about herself.
I looked into her eyes and spoke truth and life into her and watched her thirst be overwhelmingly crushed under the weight of love flowing from her Father, through me and into her. The dull ache in her eyes filled with light. The frown I am so used to seeing that I hardly notice anymore was turned into a grateful happy smile. Its impossible to really take the cliché out of a smile and put into words the expression of my heart in seeing my daughter for once, at ease, in peace with herself. How precious those little things are when they’ve been missing for so long that you can’t remember ever having them.
And oh that she looked back into my eyes, responded to me, absorbed me and my love! She heard me! She connected with me! Autism has robbed her and me so viciously of these supposed ordinary moments but last night was an amazing gift from my Lord and I will NEVER let go or forget it. Thank you my Lord and God, my Father in Heaven!