Listening to music that in a former part of my life would have summed up things that I thought and felt, believed in and experienced, now only leaves me questioning.
How I felt, everything was important to me. Thinking deeply on people, life and the beauty of it all used to be something I did. Indulging in reality and even fantasy, being so present in the moment and drinking in life and purpose is how I functioned. I found pleasure in every aspect of life because I thought every minute detail of my life meant something.
I remember traveling far away and I felt I hadn’t really been in a place until I’d touched it. Watching fire burn. Feeling the wind. The weight of my words on paper. The smell of each season. How I hid moments, places and people and what they said and did into my heart because it MEANT something to me.
My whole life could change in a day so it was precious. Everything was important.
All of that has been stripped away from me, day by day. I don’t know that it isn’t normal or even beneficial to me.
When you are alone you are discovering yourself and your world. You seek to know, to learn, to grow. But when you are married, no matter if you are happily married or not, you find yourself accepting day in and day out measured in routine. Then you add kids into the mix and time is consumed in tasks and goals and efforts. Yes it’s done in love and enjoyed! But the meaning and purpose of life has changed drastically. Its not about you anymore. Its about them.
But I miss it. I miss trapping life and love in the palms of my hands and just clinging to them with all my strength.
I don’t know. Sometimes I think maybe I’ve just lost myself.